When I was younger I first saw the movie Labyrinth – and I always wanted to be Jennifer Connolly. She was gorgeous, and she had this amazing imaginary world, but for a part of it, she lost herself, she didn’t know why she was doing what she was doing. And whilst I don’t look like Jennifer, I’m needing to break a bubble that has enveloped me, and I’m hoping this post will do this.
I’m suffering from some of the worst dsyphoria since coming out – I am struggling with my body. I’m getting jealous, I’m starting to resent people who I am genuinely happy for. Getting out of this crazy bubble that has consumed me, this dysphoria bubble that is threatening me is a must. I can’t lose friends because of this stupid dysphoria.
It reminds me so much of struggling with my dysphoria before coming out, where every moment it was present – you’ll never be a girl, why bother – no one will accept you, yet this time its – your body will always have this male part – no matter how much you accept yourself and others accept you, you’re still male – look there it is staring you in the face.
I’ve been quite out there about my transition, and I wanted to show it could be a positive experience, and that it’s amazing, but at times like now, I feel like I’m showing the negatives – that what you feel you’re cured of – can just consume your world – again the dysphoria says you can do whatever you want – but nothing changes.
I can see this shadow outside of the bubble – don’t listen to the bubble. Think of what you’ve done since you decided to transition, that is the Laura you know – not this consuming bubble. And I desperately want to feel that again.
Just knowing that shadow is there helps – this bubble is small, and like all bubbles will pop, and that shadow will return in full technicolour.
Typing this up, I’m feeling a lot better, not so consumed, because it has made me remember what helps in times of this – my personal space in my mind which is mine.
In counselling it was suggested when I get overloaded to go to a safe space, and just breathe. My safe space is an area of an arcade that use to exist in Christchurch – the pinball area of Wizards. I’ve done it up a bit in my mind, but if anyone has ever owned a pinball, you will know you can personalise a message to show on the screen. I’ve changed that to – Stay out of your head – even though this safe space is inside my head!
Whether I will ever be completely clear of dysphoria – I don’t know. And that is being totally honest. But my life is still better with these “bubbles” than when I was getting consumed by it.
For now though, I’ve found a crack in the bubble, and starting to see colour again.