Most of my posts are about being transgender, and that’s fine, as it’s been a major part of my life for the past two years – a real focus, and I think I’m getting into that area where I am again – just me. The highs of being a cover girl, the videos, the exposure, now seem a distance past.
But it all felt fake.
Not being transgender – I am 100% who I am, but no matter how much I talk about it – I don’t think in many ways – people truly understand what it’s like. Don’t get me wrong – I have no idea what it’s like to grow up and have body and mind aligned – so how can I truly expect people to know what it’s like for me.
Because of this, an area I thought would be easier after transitioning – actually isn’t. I thought it would be easier to make friends, build up these tight relationships, and I guess everything would just be wonderful. I made a couple of good, no amazing friendships, and I love those people so much, but where I held back for 40+ years – I’m still an awkward person who finds it hard to make friends.
The flipside of this of course is I tend to spend a lot of time with my family, and tonight was one of those nights, that you know will stay with you. I’ve always dreamed of that truly romantic setting – picnic tables, and the old style incandescent lights, some good music, and a relaxing moment with your loved one.
Tonight I had it. I went to the Makers Market and for a moment – I was transported there, and it was everything I imagined, and I could have that feeling for real. No fear, no worried about being made, or abused. This actually is my life – I have seldom been abused, or laughed at, and tonight, it was no different.
I don’t know what is going to happen from here – but I think this could be one of the last public blogs I post. If it is – thank you for being a part of my journey.